Saturday, August 14, 2010

My thoughts for today!!!

Wow it has been awhile since I have written on this blog. I guess you can say I have dropped the ball so to speak. I started this blog because I want a place where I can write down the things that were going on in my life when they happened. I didn't count on that sometimes I would get a mental block on what to write about.

Do I write about my feelings? I don't think that would be too interesting or sometimes I think it would be to depressing.

Should I write about my every day life? There again sometimes it would be to much to write and other times my life can be boring and not so interesting.

Then when I do find time to sit and maybe attempt to write something, I get interrupted by others and my train of thought gets side tracked.

This summer taught me a lot about human behavior. First, if you don't do anything neither will anyone else. For example if you don't call people and ask to do things with them or be included, you don't get to do things with them or have them call you. So I am left to surmise that I would not have been included or thought of in the first place.

If you stay in your house, you get to be alone with no thought of you on any ones mind.

If you initiate a plan and then call people they would be more then willing to get together to do things, but if you do not make that first step you are left by the side lines.

I guess what I am trying to say and it is coming out as depressing is that we are in control of our lives. WE need to make the first move or do things by ourselves. No one is responsible for your life but you. But there are things that are confusing to me.

Then it got me to thinking? What makes a friend, is it someone who listens, cares, feels your pain, laughs with you, cries with you, but in the end is there to have spent some time to be with you. Or is a friend just someone who puts up with you and is not willing to have you as a part in their lives but puts on a good front. I have been confused on this matter for awhile now.

I know my true friend and yes I said the singular friend. She is there no matter what, she will listen and love me for who I am. I can count on her no matter how much time passes or what gets in our way. So why doesn't this seem to work with other people.

I have tried to give space, but that comes off not interested. I have tried to be more aggressive but then I am to pushy. Maybe it is the way I talk, how I laugh a little too loud, have not enough to talk about at times( but my one true friend and I can talk for hours) hummmm.....

Most times I don't do things because I don't feel truly welcomed. I always feel like an outsider. Sometimes in my own family. Is this just my mind thinking this way for some reason or is it truly something that hinders me from making friends.

I guess I will have to ponder on this matter more to find out. I only know I try very hard to be the best person I can be, love who I am with, do things for others, try and be a good listener, be funny when I can, be sorry for things I've may have done wrong, show interested in others, try and be of service the best way I know how, be available to others and still I am doing something wrong.

One day I hope to find out what that is.



Hmmm.... Life is complicated isn't it? I have realized since our changes at church that people I held "close" might have been close out of convenience... And others are true friends- even if we go weeks without talking or seeing one another. ]

For what it is worth, I really doubt you are doing anything wrong! I hope your heart is happy even with all that is on your mind. You are a remarkable woman who is such a good friend to so many.